Thursday, October 19, 2017
Neat and Tidy
Things have been relatively quiet in Asperia of late and everyone is cruising along nicely (I know tempting fate right?). Things have been okay enough for my wife and I to watch a series on Netflix called Atypical, it is about a boy of 18 with High functioning autism who has decided that he is in a place where he can try and get a girlfriend. The show is sensitive in its portrayal of autism and I found it very interesting how the family are portrayed and how they each play a part in his life. His sister at one point tells a story of her mum and her referring to Neuro-typicals as NTs and how she misheard that as 'empties'. She goes on to talk about her brother taking up so much space that those around him need to be empty in order to fit him in. I thought this was a wonderful way of describing the effect an Aspy has on those close to them.
While watching I found myself reminiscing on my time spent in Asperia and what i have learned. In actual fact I started thinking about all the things i didn't learn. Yeah i know it makes no sense but what i mean is all the information i have received that had absolutely no relevance to my situation. One example is that over and over again I have been told that kids with Aspergers need their own space and we have to respect that and give it to them. We have found that with our oldest boy this has simply never been the case. In fact the opposite is true and he always wants to be around people. Aspies are often portrayed as shy people, something that holds logic as of course one would be shy and quiet if one did not have the social skills to interact. Again this has not been the case for us and although we constantly have trouble getting him to social situations he is a naturally outgoing person who likes to be around people. For most of his life we have found this to be a curse as he won't back away or duck his head below the parapet but i suspect that later in life this will be his salvation.
Anyway the point I am rambling my way towards is that us neurotypicals have studied those on the spectrum and tried to make sense of what we see by categorising and sorting their behaviours. Our brains are made for organising and sorting in this way and it is the way we make sense of the world around us. However, what I have experienced from here in the middle is utter utter chaos. I know i described it as a roller-coaster in a previous post but actually that doesn't really do it justice. With a rollercoaster you can see the tracks in front of you and you have a general idea of where it is going to go and when (you can correct me if I am wrong as I have not actually been on that many roller coasters). What is most challenging and most hard to explain is the stuff that happens completely out of left field, the stuff that happens when you are safe and happy and things appear to being okay. Then suddenly you are hit by a freight train.
In the Atypical show the father is watching his daughter running for her school team and takes his eye of the boy who is getting over loaded by someones pony tail flicking in his face. Before you know it the boys has grabbed the pony tail and won't let go and eventually he ends up with a cut hand and the father apologising profusely. After the incident the father apologises for taking his eyes off the situation to concentrate on his daughter. His daughter who is very upset because it soon becomes clear that no-one saw her race. The empties thing again with her brother taking up all the space.
Working on this level of alertness and high anxiety is exhausting for a family and isolating for the siblings of us Asperians. We try our best to share our attention around make sure that everyone is heard and knows they are loved. The problem in our particular corner of Asperia is that we have one who takes up all the space available, one who withdraws, just wants a quiet life and won't fight for his space (just goes into his room) and one who fights for her space but is often unsympathetic to the needs of others. Happily we are slowly but surely learning how to get along with each other. With slowly improving social skills we are learning to get along............ for now.............
Thursday, August 10, 2017
I'm a Loser
My oldest boy told my wife that he thinks he is a loser and useless because he is still struggling at school despite all the help that he receives from both us and the school. This is obviously a heartbreaking thing to hear but coupled with my wife also witnessed boys calling out his name in a sarcastic high pitched voice. You know the kind of piss-taking voice that I am talking about (if you don't you can count yourself lucky). She asked him how often this kind of thing happened and he told her 'everyday' and often from people he doesn't even know. The problem is that through his behaviours at school (especially those enacted when he has lost the plot and is making extremely vocal, visual and loud poor decisions) he has gained notoriety and a reputation as someone whose button's are easy to press. Unsurprisingly, I am sure you will agree, this is something that keeps me awake at night especially because I can't see him changing those behaviours for some time yet as they are so ingrained in him when he is struggling. I know exactly how tantalising someone like this is to many types of people with many different motivations. I have been on both ends of this particular relationship although I am proud to say that from an early age I generally knew where the line was and that I had little motivation to cross it (I won't pretend I didn't cross it from time to time). I guess this stems from having been on the receiving end for a prolonged period of my childhood.
The point here though is that no-one really knows the crap that some people go through to get to general levels of normality. We offer prizes and awards for people that achieve incredible things but maybe we should offer the same for people that achieve insignificant things through surmounting incredible obstacles. The fact is that for my boy and others just like him, to achieve simple things like attending a whole day at school takes incredible acts of perseverance, bravery, self-control and self-discipline. The irony is that he has to do all these things without the self-awareness to even know that he is doing them. This is especially acute on the days after a major incident when I watch with awe and wonder as he picks himself up, dusts himself down and goes at it again (this may be a couple of days later but still impressive). So the comment the other night was both heartbreaking and revealing. It revealed that he is more self-aware than I gave him credit for and actually he understands far more about what is going on around him than I assumed.
This all brings me back to that old saying about not judging others until you have walked a mile in their shoes (then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes). We all have our crosses to bear and we all have shit that we are dealing with, our own private battles we are fighting, camouflaged by the smile we wear as war paint to get us through another day. In my job as a teacher I have spoken to so many parents that have described a totally different child from the one I see at school. Children who never put a foot wrong at school acting out at home. Children working so hard to do the right thing at school and put the effort into upholding the expected standards that when they get home they have nothing left to give. I am sure that there is hours and hours of research to be done on this subject and many many theories on the matter but what I see is kids like my boy trying so hard to just tread water, to just get through. Maybe we should recognise that a bit more and give them the credit that their efforts deserve. I want to salute my boy for getting up every day and doing it all again, sometimes making a right pig's ear of it but getting up and doing it again. He is never going to get the award for doing this seemly low-level stuff but he certainly deserves it just as much as those that are high achievers from a solid foundation.
On two lighter notes, I found out at dinner that my daughter was asked to write five poems about her family members at school today. She decided to write one about herself, one about our cat Tyrion (her husband), one about our other cat Reni (her 'grandma' who died recently) and the last two about our kittens Willow and Banacattallata (Tyrion and her 'children'). I am not sure that this was what her teacher meant and, seriously!! I have to work with the people who mark this stuff. Then my youngest son went to have a shower. When he had finished daughter followed him in for a shower and called me in to come see. Youngest son had stuffed all his clothes under the bath mat, making it look like a blue towelly model of Uluru. This after I had praised him at dinner for putting all the clothes on the bathroom floor in the wash this morning. I just asked him why he did this and he looked a little embarrassed (like he thought no-one would notice) and a little worried. Once I smiled he laughed and shook his head. So I left that one, who knows what was going to through his mind. We also just received an email about how well oldest boy is doing writing a narrative in English class.
One thing is for sure, there is never a dull moment in Aspyeria. And the inhabitants will always keep you guessing and often entertained.
The point here though is that no-one really knows the crap that some people go through to get to general levels of normality. We offer prizes and awards for people that achieve incredible things but maybe we should offer the same for people that achieve insignificant things through surmounting incredible obstacles. The fact is that for my boy and others just like him, to achieve simple things like attending a whole day at school takes incredible acts of perseverance, bravery, self-control and self-discipline. The irony is that he has to do all these things without the self-awareness to even know that he is doing them. This is especially acute on the days after a major incident when I watch with awe and wonder as he picks himself up, dusts himself down and goes at it again (this may be a couple of days later but still impressive). So the comment the other night was both heartbreaking and revealing. It revealed that he is more self-aware than I gave him credit for and actually he understands far more about what is going on around him than I assumed.
This all brings me back to that old saying about not judging others until you have walked a mile in their shoes (then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes). We all have our crosses to bear and we all have shit that we are dealing with, our own private battles we are fighting, camouflaged by the smile we wear as war paint to get us through another day. In my job as a teacher I have spoken to so many parents that have described a totally different child from the one I see at school. Children who never put a foot wrong at school acting out at home. Children working so hard to do the right thing at school and put the effort into upholding the expected standards that when they get home they have nothing left to give. I am sure that there is hours and hours of research to be done on this subject and many many theories on the matter but what I see is kids like my boy trying so hard to just tread water, to just get through. Maybe we should recognise that a bit more and give them the credit that their efforts deserve. I want to salute my boy for getting up every day and doing it all again, sometimes making a right pig's ear of it but getting up and doing it again. He is never going to get the award for doing this seemly low-level stuff but he certainly deserves it just as much as those that are high achievers from a solid foundation.
On two lighter notes, I found out at dinner that my daughter was asked to write five poems about her family members at school today. She decided to write one about herself, one about our cat Tyrion (her husband), one about our other cat Reni (her 'grandma' who died recently) and the last two about our kittens Willow and Banacattallata (Tyrion and her 'children'). I am not sure that this was what her teacher meant and, seriously!! I have to work with the people who mark this stuff. Then my youngest son went to have a shower. When he had finished daughter followed him in for a shower and called me in to come see. Youngest son had stuffed all his clothes under the bath mat, making it look like a blue towelly model of Uluru. This after I had praised him at dinner for putting all the clothes on the bathroom floor in the wash this morning. I just asked him why he did this and he looked a little embarrassed (like he thought no-one would notice) and a little worried. Once I smiled he laughed and shook his head. So I left that one, who knows what was going to through his mind. We also just received an email about how well oldest boy is doing writing a narrative in English class.
One thing is for sure, there is never a dull moment in Aspyeria. And the inhabitants will always keep you guessing and often entertained.
Monday, July 31, 2017
The Perfect Hatrick
Wasn't it Ronan Keating from Boyzone who said that 'Life is a Rollercoaster and you've just got to ride it." Well as much as I disliked his music I must concede that in this instance he was correct. although if I remember rightly (I had to google it) is also said "Love me for a reason and let the reason be love" Which is a most ridiculous truism, so I am not going to nominate him for any literary or philosophical awards.
Anyway back to the point, life is a rollercoaster and this week has felt like a trip to the Asperia version of Disneyland. Which would, of course, be very quiet, ordered and lacking in people dressed up in suits and masks as they would freak the inhabitants out (or is that just me). Anyway, the week started with getting oldest boy back to school after the incidents of last week. Of course having to deal with this on a Monday morning meant that he couldn't cope with the rest of the day so he came home. A bit of bad planning there meant that we had to go through it all again on the Tuesday (well I say we, I had very little to do with it).
After this shaky start, we had a reasonably positive week and things felt normal in Asperia. Normal? what am I talking about? like there is a normal, "yeah what's normal then?" Jimmy screaming at his dad in Quadrophenia still echoes through my brain at the very thought of it. This is the same as the idea of 'Should' what people 'should' be doing is neither here nor there let's act on what is really happening. So anyway back to the point, we were having a fairly positive week, the little Asperians were getting on (well sort of, you know) and Mrs Asperian and I were lulling ourselves into a false sense of security.
Then Friday arrived and we recieve a call from one school that Oldest Boy has kicked someone, closely followed by the other school telling us that Youngest Boy has punched someone. I couldn't help expecting a call about Daughter having headbutted someone! Could this be considered the perfect hat-trick of violent outbursts? like the perfect hat-trick in football* (left foot, right foot and header for those uninitiated in that game).
* (soccer for those of you reading in Australian).
After spending some time reflecting on the thugs that I have managed to raise (and me a pacifist!) it turned out to be not as bad as it seemed, not that it was that good but you know, we must look at the positives. The weekend couldn't come soon enough in Aspreria especially for my good lady wife who had just about reached the end of her tether but Friday night. I suggested that she went out for the day and left me with the young Asperians on Saturday. A suggestion that she greeted with relief, all be it mixed with a certain sense of foreboding as my track record for keeping calm in said situations is not immaculate.
After a very pleasant morning and a workable lunch, I made a deal with younglings. They could enjoy an afternoon basking in the pleasures of the blacklit glow of various screens, if they allowed me time, space and quiet to indulge in some Garage Bandery. Since playing with my old band back in the UK I had one of our songs worming its way through my mind for a couple of weeks, and I wanted to record it (maybe you can hear it when it is finished!). So the afternoon was a success for all concerned and we even enjoyed some take away for dinner.
And what does one do in these situations? well in this case one decide to push ones luck and let the angelic Asperians stay up late and watch Tangled together. They had been so loverley together all day, what could go wrong?
Well seeing as you asked........ with what couldn't have been more than 2 minutes of the film remaining (I exaggerate not, I had just been into them and there was 6 and a half minutes left) we hear the blood curdling scream of an Asperian in pain. On rushing in I am presented with an amost perfect inprint of youngest's teeth marks. I was tempted to whip out the plaster of paris to take a mold in the hope I could save money at the dentist's one day. Youngest Boy rushed into his room screaming at everyone and as he ran down the hall we noticed the huge, bleeding scratch marks down his back! "Didn't we almost have it all?" sung Whitney Houston in all honesty not in premontion of my day in 2017 but on the money all the same.
Obviously, the only thing to do in this situation is to turn to the wisdom of 80's/90's pop stars. ex boy band members if possible (not looking at you 5ive) but Whitney when necessary. "You've gotta get high before you taste the lows" Robbie Williams crooned** (yeah I know that's not what he meant). Our Asperian realm came crashing down around our ears once again, how can we face another false dawn. What on earth is going to happen at Sunday morning football? (See first asterix, (this is getting complicated)). Well as it turned out Oldest boy did the whole thing, getting ready, team talk, playing the game, half time, shaking hands at the end, the whole damn shooting match without a single tear, cross word or any upset...... and to top it all he scored our only goal against the mighty Rangers.
**last one I promise
Middle girl didn't do quite so well as she had a massive asthma attack because she has developed an allergy to something (confirmed at the doctors today) and had to leave early. Still we are making progress and things are looking up. To be frank Ronan you can stick your roller coaster where the sun don't shine. I will settle for a nice calm (and level) model train ride. Perhaps this is what theme parks look like in Asperia? Nice, gentle and calm because one need to escape from the real terrifying rollercoaster of life.
Anyway, tonight Oldest boy and I had a nice chat about life while kicking the football around in the garden and it felt (almost) normal. So I am going to sign off and watch Game of Thrones. One more thing though (yes, honestly), I want to thank everyone who read my last blog and everyone that said such nice things to me about it. It is wonderful to know how much support and understanding there is out there for us Asperians. I told Oldest boy that it was all going to be alright, and right here, right now I beleive it............ but here comes the corkscrew honing into view.
Anyway back to the point, life is a rollercoaster and this week has felt like a trip to the Asperia version of Disneyland. Which would, of course, be very quiet, ordered and lacking in people dressed up in suits and masks as they would freak the inhabitants out (or is that just me). Anyway, the week started with getting oldest boy back to school after the incidents of last week. Of course having to deal with this on a Monday morning meant that he couldn't cope with the rest of the day so he came home. A bit of bad planning there meant that we had to go through it all again on the Tuesday (well I say we, I had very little to do with it).
After this shaky start, we had a reasonably positive week and things felt normal in Asperia. Normal? what am I talking about? like there is a normal, "yeah what's normal then?" Jimmy screaming at his dad in Quadrophenia still echoes through my brain at the very thought of it. This is the same as the idea of 'Should' what people 'should' be doing is neither here nor there let's act on what is really happening. So anyway back to the point, we were having a fairly positive week, the little Asperians were getting on (well sort of, you know) and Mrs Asperian and I were lulling ourselves into a false sense of security.
Then Friday arrived and we recieve a call from one school that Oldest Boy has kicked someone, closely followed by the other school telling us that Youngest Boy has punched someone. I couldn't help expecting a call about Daughter having headbutted someone! Could this be considered the perfect hat-trick of violent outbursts? like the perfect hat-trick in football* (left foot, right foot and header for those uninitiated in that game).
* (soccer for those of you reading in Australian).
After spending some time reflecting on the thugs that I have managed to raise (and me a pacifist!) it turned out to be not as bad as it seemed, not that it was that good but you know, we must look at the positives. The weekend couldn't come soon enough in Aspreria especially for my good lady wife who had just about reached the end of her tether but Friday night. I suggested that she went out for the day and left me with the young Asperians on Saturday. A suggestion that she greeted with relief, all be it mixed with a certain sense of foreboding as my track record for keeping calm in said situations is not immaculate.
After a very pleasant morning and a workable lunch, I made a deal with younglings. They could enjoy an afternoon basking in the pleasures of the blacklit glow of various screens, if they allowed me time, space and quiet to indulge in some Garage Bandery. Since playing with my old band back in the UK I had one of our songs worming its way through my mind for a couple of weeks, and I wanted to record it (maybe you can hear it when it is finished!). So the afternoon was a success for all concerned and we even enjoyed some take away for dinner.
And what does one do in these situations? well in this case one decide to push ones luck and let the angelic Asperians stay up late and watch Tangled together. They had been so loverley together all day, what could go wrong?
Well seeing as you asked........ with what couldn't have been more than 2 minutes of the film remaining (I exaggerate not, I had just been into them and there was 6 and a half minutes left) we hear the blood curdling scream of an Asperian in pain. On rushing in I am presented with an amost perfect inprint of youngest's teeth marks. I was tempted to whip out the plaster of paris to take a mold in the hope I could save money at the dentist's one day. Youngest Boy rushed into his room screaming at everyone and as he ran down the hall we noticed the huge, bleeding scratch marks down his back! "Didn't we almost have it all?" sung Whitney Houston in all honesty not in premontion of my day in 2017 but on the money all the same.
Obviously, the only thing to do in this situation is to turn to the wisdom of 80's/90's pop stars. ex boy band members if possible (not looking at you 5ive) but Whitney when necessary. "You've gotta get high before you taste the lows" Robbie Williams crooned** (yeah I know that's not what he meant). Our Asperian realm came crashing down around our ears once again, how can we face another false dawn. What on earth is going to happen at Sunday morning football? (See first asterix, (this is getting complicated)). Well as it turned out Oldest boy did the whole thing, getting ready, team talk, playing the game, half time, shaking hands at the end, the whole damn shooting match without a single tear, cross word or any upset...... and to top it all he scored our only goal against the mighty Rangers.
**last one I promise
Middle girl didn't do quite so well as she had a massive asthma attack because she has developed an allergy to something (confirmed at the doctors today) and had to leave early. Still we are making progress and things are looking up. To be frank Ronan you can stick your roller coaster where the sun don't shine. I will settle for a nice calm (and level) model train ride. Perhaps this is what theme parks look like in Asperia? Nice, gentle and calm because one need to escape from the real terrifying rollercoaster of life.
Anyway, tonight Oldest boy and I had a nice chat about life while kicking the football around in the garden and it felt (almost) normal. So I am going to sign off and watch Game of Thrones. One more thing though (yes, honestly), I want to thank everyone who read my last blog and everyone that said such nice things to me about it. It is wonderful to know how much support and understanding there is out there for us Asperians. I told Oldest boy that it was all going to be alright, and right here, right now I beleive it............ but here comes the corkscrew honing into view.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
First Post
I really don't know what will happen with this blog just like I really don't know what is going to happen each and every day in Asperia. You see I live with 3 Aspy children, one diagnosed along with ADHD, one in the process of being diagnosed and one undiagnosed but diagnosed with ADHD. And all suffering from anxiety. How did this happen? What did we do wrong? Yep, these are questions that regularly pass through the minds of my wife and I.
So as I say we never know what is going to happen from one day to the next. Well, I say that but really a number of things are virtually guaranteed. A phone call from school, at least one meltdown, several arguments of varying severity and a whole lot of worry.
I have been mulling over creating a blog for a while but have not really known when to start. A recent trip back home to the UK with my younger son? First week back at school for my eldest son and consequent suspension? Or the endless arguments between my daughter and her friends? But I have been keen to make this blog a positive experience, because who wants to sit and read me whinging about the shit that goes down in Asperia, right? Well let's face it there is going to be plenty of that but how about we start with a good day....... (its only 4.00pm, I don't want to tempt fate it could all go wrong yet. So let's say a 'good morning'.
To set the scene we were at our Sunday morning football matches (this is UK football or soccer as people call it in our home of Australia). Both the older two and myself play for a local club and I coach the eldest one's team. This season going to watch the kids play football has become a family event (much to the disgust of the youngest who wants to do nothing apart from watch Stampy videos on the ipad). So what was so great about this morning? (Keep up at the back.....please remember I said 'good' and not 'great'. I don't want to go over board). Well, what was so good about today was that it felt like a morning of football in neuro typical land. A short holiday for us from Asperia and all its special attractions. Asperia is, as I am sure you have fathomed, taken from Aspergers which is a now somewhat outdated sub strand of Autism but to my mind the best descriptions of the goings on in my house. So with your blessing, I am going to continue to use it to name the world in which we make our home.
So this morning was a short but refreshing trip to what we imagine normality to be like. Although I also understand that normal worlds are inhabited by many of the things that we in Asperia like to call our norms. I know this because people tell me this often in an attempt to make me feel less like a tourist in a foreign land I suppose.
Anyway, the reason today was good was that both kids went to football played well, listened to their coach at half time and pre and post game, joined in with the other players, shook hands with the opposition. My eldest boy also scored a goal, won the game and sung the song in the circle with his arms around the rest of the team. This was all done with a minimum of bickering and fighting (mainly because we have just bought in new and tougher consequences whereby the scared screen time is diminished for such behaviour, and in Asperia nothing shall interfere with sacred screen time (yes, yes, I know just like in most houses).
Not the most devastating outcomes that humankind has achieved I will concede but here in Asperia mornings like these don't come along very often and should be cherished and celebrated (in our case with a chocolate bar and hot chocolate with squirty cream).
Farewell, for now, I am off to play Rocket League with my oldest.
Dadspie
So as I say we never know what is going to happen from one day to the next. Well, I say that but really a number of things are virtually guaranteed. A phone call from school, at least one meltdown, several arguments of varying severity and a whole lot of worry.
I have been mulling over creating a blog for a while but have not really known when to start. A recent trip back home to the UK with my younger son? First week back at school for my eldest son and consequent suspension? Or the endless arguments between my daughter and her friends? But I have been keen to make this blog a positive experience, because who wants to sit and read me whinging about the shit that goes down in Asperia, right? Well let's face it there is going to be plenty of that but how about we start with a good day....... (its only 4.00pm, I don't want to tempt fate it could all go wrong yet. So let's say a 'good morning'.
To set the scene we were at our Sunday morning football matches (this is UK football or soccer as people call it in our home of Australia). Both the older two and myself play for a local club and I coach the eldest one's team. This season going to watch the kids play football has become a family event (much to the disgust of the youngest who wants to do nothing apart from watch Stampy videos on the ipad). So what was so great about this morning? (Keep up at the back.....please remember I said 'good' and not 'great'. I don't want to go over board). Well, what was so good about today was that it felt like a morning of football in neuro typical land. A short holiday for us from Asperia and all its special attractions. Asperia is, as I am sure you have fathomed, taken from Aspergers which is a now somewhat outdated sub strand of Autism but to my mind the best descriptions of the goings on in my house. So with your blessing, I am going to continue to use it to name the world in which we make our home.
So this morning was a short but refreshing trip to what we imagine normality to be like. Although I also understand that normal worlds are inhabited by many of the things that we in Asperia like to call our norms. I know this because people tell me this often in an attempt to make me feel less like a tourist in a foreign land I suppose.
Anyway, the reason today was good was that both kids went to football played well, listened to their coach at half time and pre and post game, joined in with the other players, shook hands with the opposition. My eldest boy also scored a goal, won the game and sung the song in the circle with his arms around the rest of the team. This was all done with a minimum of bickering and fighting (mainly because we have just bought in new and tougher consequences whereby the scared screen time is diminished for such behaviour, and in Asperia nothing shall interfere with sacred screen time (yes, yes, I know just like in most houses).
Not the most devastating outcomes that humankind has achieved I will concede but here in Asperia mornings like these don't come along very often and should be cherished and celebrated (in our case with a chocolate bar and hot chocolate with squirty cream).
Farewell, for now, I am off to play Rocket League with my oldest.
Dadspie
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