I'm a Loser

My oldest boy told my wife that he thinks he is a loser and useless because he is still struggling at school despite all the help that he receives from both us and the school. This is obviously a heartbreaking thing to hear but coupled with my wife also witnessed boys calling out his name in a sarcastic high pitched voice. You know the kind of piss-taking voice that I am talking about (if you don't you can count yourself lucky). She asked him how often this kind of thing happened and he told her 'everyday' and often from people he doesn't even know. The problem is that through his behaviours at school (especially those enacted when he has lost the plot and is making extremely vocal, visual and loud poor decisions) he has gained notoriety and a reputation as someone whose button's are easy to press. Unsurprisingly, I am sure you will agree, this is something that keeps me awake at night especially because I can't see him changing those behaviours for some time yet as they are so ingrained in him when he is struggling. I know exactly how tantalising someone like this is to many types of people with many different motivations. I have been on both ends of this particular relationship although I am proud to say that from an early age I generally knew where the line was and that I had little motivation to cross it (I won't pretend I didn't cross it from time to time). I guess this stems from having been on the receiving end for a prolonged period of my childhood.

The point here though is that no-one really knows the crap that some people go through to get to general levels of normality. We offer prizes and awards for people that achieve incredible things but maybe we should offer the same for people that achieve insignificant things through surmounting incredible obstacles. The fact is that for my boy and others just like him, to achieve simple things like attending a whole day at school takes incredible acts of perseverance, bravery, self-control and self-discipline. The irony is that he has to do all these things without the self-awareness to even know that he is doing them. This is especially acute on the days after a major incident when I watch with awe and wonder as he picks himself up, dusts himself down and goes at it again (this may be a couple of days later but still impressive). So the comment the other night was both heartbreaking and revealing. It revealed that he is more self-aware than I gave him credit for and actually he understands far more about what is going on around him than I assumed.

This all brings me back to that old saying about not judging others until you have walked a mile in their shoes (then you'll be a mile away from them and you'll have their shoes). We all have our crosses to bear and we all have shit that we are dealing with, our own private battles we are fighting, camouflaged by the smile we wear as war paint to get us through another day. In my job as a teacher I have spoken to so many parents that have described a totally different child from the one I see at school. Children who never put a foot wrong at school acting out at home. Children working so hard to do the right thing at school and put the effort into upholding the expected standards that when they get home they have nothing left to give. I am sure that there is hours and hours of research to be done on this subject and many many theories on the matter but what I see is kids like my boy trying so hard to just tread water, to just get through. Maybe we should recognise that a bit more and give them the credit that their efforts deserve.  I want to salute my boy for getting up every day and doing it all again, sometimes making a right pig's ear of it but getting up and doing it again. He is never going to get the award for doing this seemly low-level stuff but he certainly deserves it just as much as those that are high achievers from a solid foundation.

On two lighter notes, I found out at dinner that my daughter was asked to write five poems about her family members at school today. She decided to write one about herself, one about our cat Tyrion (her husband), one about our other cat Reni (her 'grandma' who died recently) and the last two about our kittens Willow and Banacattallata (Tyrion and her 'children'). I am not sure that this was what her teacher meant and, seriously!! I have to work with the people who mark this stuff. Then my youngest son went to have a shower. When he had finished daughter followed him in for a shower and called me in to come see. Youngest son had stuffed all his clothes under the bath mat, making it look like a blue towelly model of Uluru. This after I had praised him at dinner for putting all the clothes on the bathroom floor in the wash this morning. I just asked him why he did this and he looked a little embarrassed (like he thought no-one would notice) and a little worried. Once I smiled he laughed and shook his head. So I left that one, who knows what was going to through his mind. We also just received an email about how well oldest boy is doing writing a narrative in English class.

One thing is for sure, there is never a dull moment in Aspyeria. And the inhabitants will always keep you guessing and often entertained.